The holidays.... I can make it this year

As the holidays approach I find myself feeling that addiction creeping up on me.
To feel the need of my family to be back together. Feeling the need of a family that has a father and mother.........the family that I have known for 20yrs. I don't want this creeping up on me. I have been determined to love the holidays for the first time in 10 years. I have been living for this time. Over the years I had been so sad , not wanting the holidays to go on. Today is my youngest sons birthday... 10 years old. I can't believe it. I lived 5 years straight in my life of being pregnant with my little guys and realising he is 10 today just makes me hurt. Why would it hurt I ask???? Well to make a long story short........ on dec. 23rd 1997 the year before Mason was born I lost a little girl named Amanda..... that is the reason why my holidays have been so up in the air. The holidays you try and be happy for the kids , but even my boys know what they had lost. They were little but they bring up their sister every year. I know I have come far in my life of healing ......knowing this year I want to be different. To love the holidays again. I feel the pain starting to linger in the near distance.... with my ex trying to talk more to me and expressing his pain. I want to reach out to him , but know its not right. I know he is hurting so bad right now......he has never release any pain over the years. Atleast I have done some kind of healing to understand and except my past. He is finally coming to terms that he needs help.......... which I am happy he is, but I have to stay strong and make it this year. Last year was the turning point for me and my boys. I had hit rock bottom......... I had no money to buy them presents.....I sat in my bed and cried christmas eve and new years eve. Something I had to do. To be ok with myself being alone.... I toke my boys to church the first time ever on their sisters birthday last year.....all by myself. Boy was that tough. I wasn't brought up going to chruch so that was new to me, but I didn't it for me and my boys. I cherish that day... it was a new beginning of my life as a strong independent women that will make her mark in this world. As I sit here today and struggle through my lifes challenges...... i sit back and think of that day. I shouldn't hide behind my tears anymore. I need to stop with the road blocks and jump!!!!! I know I have jumped , but you know it has been a long time coming over the last 4 years and I am still battling the addiction that is so deep inside. The addiction of my family I so never wanted to end. I know in my heart that is what God wanted to be, but to feel the pain that so lingers so deep inside of me........makes me wonder ........... I thought I was free!!!!