The holidays.... I can make it this year

As the holidays approach I find myself feeling that addiction creeping up on me.
To feel the need of my family to be back together. Feeling the need of a family that has a father and mother.........the family that I have known for 20yrs. I don't want this creeping up on me. I have been determined to love the holidays for the first time in 10 years. I have been living for this time. Over the years I had been so sad , not wanting the holidays to go on. Today is my youngest sons birthday... 10 years old. I can't believe it. I lived 5 years straight in my life of being pregnant with my little guys and realising he is 10 today just makes me hurt. Why would it hurt I ask???? Well to make a long story short........ on dec. 23rd 1997 the year before Mason was born I lost a little girl named Amanda..... that is the reason why my holidays have been so up in the air. The holidays you try and be happy for the kids , but even my boys know what they had lost. They were little but they bring up their sister every year. I know I have come far in my life of healing ......knowing this year I want to be different. To love the holidays again. I feel the pain starting to linger in the near distance.... with my ex trying to talk more to me and expressing his pain. I want to reach out to him , but know its not right. I know he is hurting so bad right now......he has never release any pain over the years. Atleast I have done some kind of healing to understand and except my past. He is finally coming to terms that he needs help.......... which I am happy he is, but I have to stay strong and make it this year. Last year was the turning point for me and my boys. I had hit rock bottom......... I had no money to buy them presents.....I sat in my bed and cried christmas eve and new years eve. Something I had to do. To be ok with myself being alone.... I toke my boys to church the first time ever on their sisters birthday last year.....all by myself. Boy was that tough. I wasn't brought up going to chruch so that was new to me, but I didn't it for me and my boys. I cherish that day... it was a new beginning of my life as a strong independent women that will make her mark in this world. As I sit here today and struggle through my lifes challenges...... i sit back and think of that day. I shouldn't hide behind my tears anymore. I need to stop with the road blocks and jump!!!!! I know I have jumped , but you know it has been a long time coming over the last 4 years and I am still battling the addiction that is so deep inside. The addiction of my family I so never wanted to end. I know in my heart that is what God wanted to be, but to feel the pain that so lingers so deep inside of me........makes me wonder ........... I thought I was free!!!!

How Life Coaching really works!!!

I first want to say I am sorry for not posting. I was in Dallas with Chaise (my second son for hockey), but I did write everyday and boy I am still releasing a lot of past crap!!! LOL
Its amazing how things I didn't think bothered me in the past keep creeping up and want to come out. Yea I would like to tell people how I really feel , but for some reason I stop myself and just write. I think I am starting to think before speaking. Which is a first.

I want to really share my son Chaise's life coaching journey. Meaning how I see the change in him. I can't explain how it makes me feel to see the change and see the will and desire in him. The first in a long time. The smile on his face, the wanting to succeed. I am sure I have mentioned before that 2 of my boys have had the opportunity to be working with David for about 4-5 weeks. Chaise since he was little has dealt with self esteem issues. I have always wondered ....why .... I never made him feel in adequate or put him down, but I know i am not the only one in his life. As the years have gone by Chaise has been playing AAA hockey. He is one of the lucky kids .... meaning Chaise has so much talent without even trying or training for, but his lack of confidence has really set him back the last 2 years. Well me and his father agreed at this age and level if he doesn't play with his heart 100% of the time he has to move down to a lower level. First off its way way to expensive, the kids at this level are all excellent player and play at 100% of the time or coach will let you know and your done. So by talking with him he really does want this but feels he doesn't deserve it. He would go out and play a great game to come back and play 3 bad games. Its not that he played bad it was that you could see he showed no effort or desire to play. That is where I was so blessed to have taken the life coaching coarse and said to Chaise this is what we are going to do. We are going to meet with David just one time. If you don't want to see him anymore then you don't have to. Well he wasn't a happy camper, but he meet with him and wanted to see him again. YEA......... to make a long story short. Chaise went out there on that rink and played 110%. His whole line got sat most of the 4 games because of lack of effort on their part, but not my Chaise he moved to another line and scored a goal his first game!!!!!!! The first all year , then he scored the second game!!! I couldn't believe it and he had so many more opportunities!!! As we entered the 3rd game he was out there hustling ........... he got kicked in his knee from another kid and intented to do it...meaning the kid got kicked out of that game and the last game because it was such a dirty hit. Well Chaise went down crying and was down for about 5mins. I helped coach get him off the ice and look at it . It was very swollen and he was hurting very very bad. We put ice on it and gave him some advil. It wasn't broken but we couldn't do anything till we got home and go to dr. on monday. As he sits there he looks at me with tears in his eyes and says mom put my helmet on I want to sit on the bench with my team I want to watch them play. That was the eye opener of how life coaching is truly working....not just seeing him play from the heart , but not to sit and mope around like before and act like he is dieing or will never play ever again. He was so positive !!!!!!!!!!! After the game he started walking more and more on his leg and saying how bad he wants to go out and play. I couldn't believe it!!!!!!! As my ex would always call him ............. hypoconderact........ well you know what my baby is changing, he is feeling good about him self, he is smiling , he is excited about his love of hockey again, he is seeing how he can do what those other kids can even if I always have told him he can. I am seeing my own son jump in that fire with his own 2 feet and I tell you what !!! If that doesn't motivate a mom to jump in her own self then I don't know what will!!!!!!!!! It sure shows me if you do your work and really want your dreams you sure can have it!!!!
You have to believe to succeed!!!!!!
Love and Strength, Jen

As my inspirational quote sure showed me this weekend ....... Your will must be stronger than your skill!!!!

INSPIRATIONAL QUOTE

Champions aren't made in gyms.Champions are made from something they have deep inside them a desire, a dream or a vision. They have the skill and the will, but the will must be stronger than the skill.
-Mohammad Ali

I wanted to share this. I thought it really touched me right now.
I will post more later!!
Love and strength,
Jen

I thought I could take it!!

Here it comes!!! The slowness of my negative thoughts creaping up as the day goes by. I start out strong with this issue of being let down. To finding my thoughts starting to turn slowly. As I start to notice my shoulders rounding, my head drooping and wondering why can't I just make it go right just one time. I just want that one opportunity to help people again. Just to feel that feeling again. To see someone smile when I use my gifts of love, committment and modivation to help them succedd. As I sit here wondering why would I not believe in myself. Why would I not think I have what it takes to do that again. I start to see feel myself close off and want to hide. To not face what it is out there that is calling my name. I can't stop just because someone takes that opportunity away...... that I didn't even truly have. I have a place sitting waiting for me to use. To find those that need my help. To find those that truly know .....what I do know down deep....... is that I long to work again ....... to feel good again.......... to see myself as a true gift...... and not to doubt this anymore. I am asking god to release this pain of self doubt...and guide me to the true me. I know I am in there . I can feel my head peak out for a day, to run back in and wait on another way. By writing these blogs sure helps me see things that really do truly hurt me. One day its good, another day its not. I know once I find my way, I will be here to stay!!!
As I open my heart to those that read this blog. I thank you once again for taking the time to be there for me through my pain, through my joy, through my love of finding what I once was before. The strength to see I really have it in side of me. Will peak back out .... which I hope one day for eternity!!!

Another Road block!!! But I can take it

As I mentioned a few days ago about getting a chance to train some kids at my kids school. Well how did I guess.......... thats not happening. LOL Don't laugh David!!!!! Yea I am staying positive!!! I am not going to bet myself up. It had nothing to do with me, but I guess I should never say anything till things are 110% . Learned my lesson. The skatium is a state building and he had to get the final ok from them. I guess they are re-evaluating and cutting 41 jobs and they might send someone there for $7 an hr. to sit. In my eyes how does that help those kids. He said he wouldn't know till later in Dec.,but the city says things one day and turns around and says anther thing another day. My hopes aren't gone. I just keep going and pursue other avenues!! It's ok. I am going to go bigger than the skatium anyways LOLOLOLOL I will get into the lee county schools instead and work with all those kids. LOLOL I know we have to have big goals.
I want to say I am getting really excited to be getting close to finishing our certifications. I hope everyone is working hard and excited like me. I can't wait to get out there and really help those in need. I am sorry I won't be able to join everyone on thursday. I appointments for my boys on thursday and leave early on friday for Dallas (hockey). I won't be able to post because my lap top is not working right!!! I will journal though in my book!!! I hope we can all come up with a time for the master mind group that David would like us to start!! I hope everyone has great day and miss hanging out with everyone!!! Whats good next week????????
Love and Strength ,
Jen

What a weekend.... but a good one!!

What a long weekend LOL................ I am sorry I missed sat and Sunday posting, but had no time to even sit at the computer. My boys played hockey all weekend. Starting w/ games at 6am on both days. Yuk. I had a long emotional weekend. Yea still emotional, but I will say that all week sure was a healing week. I felt I really release some good stuff this weekend and let go of a few things. Not really sure what , but feel better LOL. My kids letters went really well. They all responded in there own ways. One wrote back right away, the other one wanted to talk about it, the other effected him when he acted up again and I said remember mommy's letter? Remember how this makes me feel? Then he stopped and said yea i do. The other one just smiled and said he liked it. So, I guess it was some what of a success. I am proud of myself for doing that and taking the time to write to them.
I stepped out of my comfort zone and went up to the stadium where my boys attend school. I know the school sends a lot of the kids in the fitness room with out anyone showing them what to do. I had sent the guy in charge of the kids school a letter last week about helping the boys in the fitness center and no response. He is kinda weird like that. I took that as a no!!!! OK I got a NO..... well after all the term oil and emotions last week. I approach the head honcho of the rink. I asked him if they even have a training in the fitness center . He said no and he said he needs one. Well make a long story short...........I am going to run the fitness center and classes. No I don't get paid, but if I want to make money I have to go out and get it. Jump in the fire and approach those that come in the center. Actually I am excited about it. Something to start with. If I had never asked would have never known. How perfect right at my kids school and maybe I can start reaching out to those teenagers that I have so wanted to help. Another big thing I did .........which I should have 2 months ago was get my license changed and my name on bank etc. I think I was holding onto the past of my ex. Which I don't know why. I know I have a new name , but my kids have the other and that is .............I mean was my name for 15 years. It was tough, but I was so ready to let it go. I had some really big steps for me last week and can't wait to see what this week brings me!!!!
Thank you all for following my blog!!! I am so grateful to have followers that really help me heal. It really feels good to have responses and know others out there really care and want to help. I am here for you all too!!!
Love and strength,
Jen

Letters to my boys!!!!

Well I have calmed down!!! LOL.... I went on to writing alllllllllllll morning. Yea I have written letters etc. for 4 hrs. now ... Boy does my head hurt. No really I do feel better. I decided and have never taken this approach with my boys before. I sat down and wrote them each a letter and it felt good to put it out there. I wrote how much I aprreciate each and everyone of them, I wrote how they make me feel when they talk to me or treat me in any way. I wrote about how I want them to share and open up with me and let them know I am here for them in every way. At the end I wrote few questions out. I wanted them to write back to me and express there feelings. I asked them what they wanted to change, what there goals were ,what we could do together that would make them feel special and loved and space to share anything else that is bothering them. I let them know this is for them to open up with me so we can work things out and make our relationships better!!! I feel really good that I did this. I also let them know that its up to them if they want to answer or write back and that its only for me and them to read and know. I hope that me doing this isn't a form of life coaching them LOLOLOL

I want to say how thankful I am to have my 4 boys even in times of pain!!!!

Can't take it anymore!!!!

I can't take it anymore!! I don't know what i do to deserve some of my kids treating me a certain way. I know for the last 4 years I have had to show myself in a different light to my kids. Discipline in different ways than in the past. I just don't know where my kids get off talking to me the way they do. It has gotten better, but my youngest is a horrible. I get to the point I don't understand. I have screamed... that doesn't work, talked to him ... that doesn't work...... spanked him that doesn't work........... what is it. I don't deserve it anymore. The last week has been hell!!!Every time he comes home from his dad for a long stay of his 5 days.... he does this. Like I said it is a lot better and its not all the time like before. I have been trying to spend more time with each one..... I try to emotionally talk and be there more..... I try to sit and hold them more.......... I just don't understand. What did I do wrong and where. The last week me and my husband have gone to bed mad at each other. I haven't done that ever with him in the last 4 years. Did us getting married just change our whole relationship??? I feel I try and try to pick myself up, but I keep getting kicked by someone. I know its something I have to work on and its a reflection of myself. I just don't know what it is. Every morning for the past 4 years its like pulling teeth to get my 2 little ones out of bed. My day starts off so bad!! It starts theirs off bad. I know they don't want to get up. They rather sleep, but that isn't happening. I start goofing off, playing with them!!! Then gets to point of yelling and pulling them out by their hair. Why Why Why do I have to go through this ????? I try and be strong , but today I broke down. I feel like a failure with my kids , I feel I don't care if another marriage fails, its not worth fighting with him. To me its wasted energy. Maybe I did marry to soon, but you know its sad because over all ............. the kids get along good. To have 6 boys from 10-15 not kill each other is amazing. If my marriage goes down its because of me and him not dealing. We have always communicated very well. What has happened I ask ......something went wrong and I feel I don't have the strength to fix it. I don't know why. I just am trying to pick up my pieces of my life and my career. I have kids going crazy again. Like I said What is it that I need to work on myself. I know its still boundries............ but I can't go on yelling and screaming anymore. I have tried to find different ways to work this out, but nothing is working and I am at my end and feel like I just don't care.

Letting go of the pain!!!

I knew I would get around to my blog today, but just wasn't ready to write this morning. I was to angry from the night before. Which as a sit back and look at my day yesterday there was no reason to be angry at all. I have known that I am a walking time bomb right now and on a rocky roller coaster. I decided I would have a few beers last night.... yea right a few beers that turned to about 7. Yea I know what i was doing masking my pain. Not wanting to feel it. I knew what was going on. I know when I am in a shitty mood then I go drink...... its not good for the person with me that night LOLOL. I am not a nice drunk LOL. So, my poor husband. I did really good all night till I got mad at him for not watching my show with me. What in the world was I thinking. I knew I wanted to be loved , but then I didn't want to be bothered. I guess we can't have it all. I feel so bad about it. IT was stupid and not called for. Then there was a full moon out there too!!!! Oh boy that is double wammie!!! I think I am not going to have any beer for awhile till this pain I am trying to let go of passes. I am ready to face it head on and I don't want any alchol or food to replace it!!! As I did ask God to help me release this pain he is doing a good job and I want it finished for the last and final time.

I knew I had more to say!!!! LOL

You know this blog has become a really good friend to me. I sit back and made a really really big discovery today. I wanted to journal about it and felt you know how much can I say on this blog. I guess I can say anything!!! Like I said I had been battling A LOT over the last few months. I want to say I have done a lot of healing work over the last 4 years and I am very proud of myself for it!! As we started the Life Coach class I thought I knew what was holding me back. I thought it was still myself esteem issues stemming from my childhood. I couldn't figure out why am I going back in my shell after a year of kicking butt in every area of my life. I was on a path I wanted, I married my soul mate, my kids were adjusting quite well.............. why would I shut off!!!!I stopped wanting to workout for myself again, I wanted to eat to fill avoid of something, I was shutting down to my husband... what I ask is bothering me??? As a trainer and a recovering addict I could see something was buried way down , but wanted so bad to come out. I could see what I was doing to myself , but couldn't put my finger on it. Over the last week I began to start seeing what I needed to deal with. It was the boundaries, but there was one BIG MAIN BOUNDARY. That was my Ex-husband. As I said the other day I finally wrote him a letter and told him how I felt. It did make me feel great!!! Of coarse no response from him , but that was fine for me. A few days go by i feel the anger and frustration surfacing. I could feel the urge to hit someone, to yell at everyone around, to beat myself up again........calling myself losing, fat etc. I could tell it was all starting to come to a head. Boy was I right!!! As I sat on my bed crying today wondering and asking God what is wrong with me... it hit me. I had a trigger about 2mos. ago and didn't realise what an impact it made on me. I became aware of it after I sat and wrote a letter to my ex. He had done 2 things to me about 2 months ago that was very inappropriate. I used to tell him it was wrong when I was married , but he didn't get it. Now I am married to someone else and he still thinks he has a right to treat me in this way. I will make a long story short. During my marriage I always felt more like a piece of meat, always flaunted around to others, never loved for what was inside of me just what was on the outside of me. As I approached my wedding in Sept. I had finally got back into working our for myself... and for myself only. To help me feel good about myself. To look good on my wedding day. As that day pasted my ex noticed I had been changing and I guess he thought he could show me and say things to me that he noticed. Well he was wrong. I had put things in its place before and thought I had healed these issues to have them arise again. I guess there is a reason its in my face again. I didn't feel the pain before..... feel the hurt he has made me feel over the years. So, as I sit back crying and noticing all the things I have done in the past when I was hurt and tried to bury it. It dawned on me that its time to finally let this out. Cry it out. I tell myself I don't deserve to feel this or carry this anymore. I never did deserve to be treated in that way. I just always sat back and never told him the truth about how I have felt. Well I finally did the other day and I think that is what brought it to the surface and here it was today ..........right in my face. The fear of letting go of his affection and addiction of me that had been stuck inside for 20 years. I am sure I have some in there , but boy did it feel good to release some of that pain. I went to the gym today again with my head held high. Not caring if someone says hey she looks like she put 10lbs on this month. Well I am sure I did because as I know............. layers of fat are protection and I saw myself trying to protect myself again. In my line of work that isn't excepted so, there was another disappointing thing for me. How do I go out there and meet people. Try to help them when I can't help myself. Even though my heart and soul knows that is my path. I knew deep down I had to help myself first. I know everyday will be a challenge and I am up for it. I just knew something was lingering in there and wanted out. Thank you for letting me vent again. For those that are following my blog I thank you for reading!!!!
Love and Strength,
Jen

The emotions of my life!!!

I tell ya over the last 6 months I have been a very positive up beat person. Even through not working etc. I had changed my thought process and was very very proud of myself. I don't know what is going on in the last week or so. I feel like I have been hit with a mean angry stick!!!!! I am doing good with following through with my daily goals......... but I am just angry at the world. Like I said I started taking a 2 week detox and could this really bring out this much anger that is so deep in side. I am hoping because I am so ready to get rid of it. I have detoxed before and I know a liver detox is about anger, but its not just a liver detox I am taking. If any one else has had any feelings like this at all doing a detox please tell me. I usually just feel tired, sick in my stochache etc......

Well on another note. I really have been productive and working on my intention. Doing my action statements and then some. I have been talking with Kevin from SWAFC (non-profit organization that works with addictions in men, women and children). I am very excited to hopefully help out and learn more about running and starting the non-profit organization.

I don't have much else to say except I just want to sit and cry and maybe I should. I feel alot is stuck inside and I am sure later today I will be a writing up a storm!!!!
Love and Strength,
Jen

Thank you Erica, Nancy and Anna!!!

I want to start off with thank you girls for really motivating me to look into my dream. Helping me realise I do have something great to show the world. I did my homework Erica!!! As we were talking I have always seen my program as a non-profit program from day one. I tried to look into it, but it was very foreign to me. I think taking David's coarse really put the icing on the cake. The missing piece to my puzzle. It has helped me slow down and realise I am worthy to do this and slow down to really quit beating around the bush and do what it is I am meant to do. I got a lot of info on the non-profit and to my surprise my husband has 2 good friends that run 2 major non-profits in this area. How perfect. I emailed them both and going to meet with them to find out where to start. I am going to start working with them. Volunteering my time. (Since I have plenty of it right now LOL)Not for long though. I had to write a mission statement for my program. I am sure it might change or become shorter, but I want to put it out there in writing so the universe knows I am very serious about my goal. I am willing to give it 11o% and do whatever I can to make it go.

Amandas Strength is a non-profit organization that helps men, women and children heal emotional issues assosicated with eating disorders. As a organization we help those that don't know where to turn. We work on healing all 4 keys -Mind, Heart, Body and Soul by releasing those emotional issues through counseling, physical training, nutritional advice and positive reinforcement. With the help of my staff we can help 1000's achieve their goals of a healthy lifestyle.

Like I said I am sure I will change this, but its a start for me. I am very excited to finally be jumping into the fire and doing what my heart set out to do 4 years ago.
Thank you again Girls............ It means the world to me.
Thank you Renee for offering your Medicine wheel a few years ago allowing my heart to open up and write Amandas Strength.
Thank you David for offering this wonderful Life Coach Coarse. It has changed my life in many ways and I hope the way it has changed me it will help change 1000's of those I come into contact with in my life.

Love and Strength,
Jen

Yep the boundries continue!!!

I want to start off with I am very blessed to have found this blog. I actually look forward to it and let my heart open to whatever needs to be said. Since I have been doing this blog. I have confronted alot of issues in my life. People and things I have not wanted to place a boundry on ..... out of guilt on how the other will feel. As I wrote yesterday I had to write a letter to my mother and let her know I don't except what she is doing to her self. Since that letter I have had a long talk with my mother and my brother that went very well. I feel sometimes we all have to get to that point when we have had enough. I was very lucky to have the out come I had. I finally set the final boundry with my ex husband too!!! He has walked on me for way to long. I have always said you can't treat me that way , but never made him accountable for it. I finally wrote him a letter and let him know how I felt about him and I was ready to let go of my anger I had for him. He didn't have to except me , but I couldn't take it anymore and let him know. I am now going to make him accountable for his actions .................... the biggest one of all. Not paying child support. I always felt awe................ he lost his business, he still tells me never wanted me to leave etc. etc..... well gues what I am married and I don't need this. I always felt bad because I left and I did this to him. NO I DIDN'T ............. I left because of a bad marriage that takes 2!! He delt with it in the way he felt was right at the time and now he is paying the price for it. Not me paying the price because he did it wrong. Who gives him the right to walk on me for the last and final time. I am not going to deal with him directly anymore. Its time for the court to deside and they can let him know what he is doing!!!!! Well...............................ok I sure do feel better after sending the letter. I always tried to stand up to him, but this time he will know I am finally serious!!!! I ask myself ok.........how does this all play a picture in my intention statement????.Going through alot of this stuff with my family, kids school, my ring, my ex-husband has made me find the strength inside to be strong. To see who I really am. To know I can do anything I want!!!! To stand up to the world and show them what I have to offer. Don't be afraid what others think and how they react to me. The important part is how I feel about ME!!! I am very proud of myself.... Last night I went back to church. Hadn't been in about 8 weeks. Alot of it has to do with 5 of the kids playing hockey, but I was so happy to be there. It helps lift my spirits. I have decided I am going to join the womens bible group at 930am. This is jumping into some major fire. Not knowing anyone. Like I said I need to get out and meet new people for my career and what better way to do this then in a group that will help me become stronger in my spiritual path too!!!!

Love and Strenght,
Jen

Learning boundries...... I think

Well I will say yesterday was a rough emotional day. I was trying to really pin point the reasoning. I felt like I zombie walking around with no emotion on my face and in my heart. So..... I start asking myself what is it that needs out.... I ask myself.. What am I dealing with. Lets start with my mom. I always thought when my mom and dad were together that she was under his control and she didn't like it. Meaning he was very controling and she would go weeks on end and not call or talk to anyone. I always thought she did this because of not wanting to stir up trouble with my father. (long story) Anyways, my parents have been apart for about 2 years and I have seen ( and my sisters see) that she has fallen under my brothers control. My brother is 10 times worse than my father and she is in that need to be controlled and my brother uses her for so much. She can't see it and it hurts. What can I do . I had enough and my sisters have had enough. I had to write to her and tell her I am her if she needs help but I don't except what she is doing to me, my kids , my sisters and my niece and nephew. Ok so I ask this sure sounds like boundries to me. Setting them with my mother. Next I have issues with my childrens school ( the last month). I put them into a new school this year which toke alot of planning to do so. My 2 boys struggle in school with reading disablities and they were very frustrated and not learning in the school system. I found a school that they could learn in a small group and even be on the ice during the day. Perfect I thought. Well I have and many have an issue with one of the teachers. She is disrespectful to the kids over and over. Her son goes there and si never accoutable for anything. So here I am again this week setting boundries with the school letting them know I don't except what they are doing to my kids and others. Even though she does no wrong in her eyes and the guy who runs the school. He doesn't want to jump in the fire and hire a new teacher. Its easier for him to stand by her side and deal with it. All I can do is stand up for my kids and know that I am doing the right thing. My kids would be very upset if I had to take them out, but I get sick of listening to how bad this teacher is. I am hoping oneday she will get what she deserves and fired. They are about making the kids accountable for their actions ,but she can do whatever. So I am not usually a parent that complains and bitches , but I have fallen under that catagoy in their eyes now. OK so that was another boundry this week now........ I just got my ring back after 7weeks of them fixing( yes my wedding ring) and now that I really look at it the diamond is blurry very blurry. That is what they put back in my ring because it had a defect and the diamond fell out 2 times in 6mos and they replace it with a blurry blue diamond. Here again I don't like to confront and bitch about stuff. I have to do it again. I think I am getting it!!!!BOUNDRIES where does that come into play with me building my career??? I am not sure but there is one more thing that was brought to my attention yeseterday while I was listening to CD 1. That little ego. I figured out why I didn't want to go out and get a waitress job intill I get my feet wet and my real dream takes off!!! Its my ego what will people think of me....... the personal trainer that used to be so busy, had tons of clients, taught tons of classes.... desided to start her own thing and now is waiting tables. Why would I want anyone to see me doing that. Yes I actually do like waiting tables but subconciously I must be worried of others. Now that I realize what I was doing its really is dumb!!!! LOL I really don't care what others think. I have to do what I have to do. Ok this was a very long blog needed to vent. I guess this is what blogging is!!! On top of it all I started a detox program 3 days ago and I am sure ................ some of my emotional issues are surfacing from that. We will see what I go through the next 2 weeks , but I am looking forward to it.
I am off to work on my life coach certification for that 1 hr. a day I stated in my action!!!
Then I am going to make that flyer so I can start passing out to those I don't know and do!!!

I am very gratiful to have found this blog. I know this is a way I am going to release those fears hiding in me. It will help me to move forward and jump into the fire. Like David says in the CD sometimes you have to finally say enough is enough and ask for help and that is what I did.
Love and Strength,
Jen


I am going to automatically send this to everyone when I post. If you want me to take your name off of it please let me know.

I decided today that I am going to make a point to journal/blog everyday. I want to learn and get to the root of all my evils. I am having a really hard time with myself and my work. I don't want to feel not worthy. Starting over is hard. I know I have so many many good ideas in my head and to many to be exact. Where to start ............. when and what to do to get there. That is what I face. I have opened a spiritual center with the intentions to help those in need. Well my partner has plenty of flowing clients for her work(medium) She has been doing this for years and has alot of word of mouth witch is great!! We joined together so be both had an area to work with our clients on appointment bases. We aren't open so you can just walk in its only when needed. I haven't had one person yet!!! All the ladies I used to train live in the estero area and that isn't an excuse why I don't have any but I feel I am starting from scratch. I need to jump into the fire and do what I feel is my goal. I want to feel good and help people again. I am so back and forth with ideas. I know I have good ones, but I HAVE TO meet new people and new clients to do anything. I need a plan. I need help. I need support. I am very gratiful to have some money to get me through this time right now. I just don't want to keep using my saving to do so. I ask myself do I go out and just get a job right now till I get going. What is the first step. I am going to write and intention, gratitude and action and if anyone that reads this has any ideas or insight on this please feel free to jump in. I figure if I write everyday I can release some of my fear and emotions and it might help me see what I need to see!!!!!
Intention:
I love guiding others, helping them past their hurdles and see them smile when they achieve their goals. This makes my life worth living. By helping others I am able to support and provide for my family with out anyone else.

Gratitude:
I am very thank ful for having the gifts and desires to help those in need of direction and support.

Action:
I will find those that need my support and modivation to help them achieve their goals and heal the past.
1. Every day give out 1 flyer to someone I don't know -for 90 days.
2.Work 1 hr. a day on my life coach certification intill I recieve it.
3. Find a networking group to sign up for (in the next week)
4. Find 2 groups of 4 to start working with for 4 weeks (for practice and knowledge)


Thank you for taking the time to read.
I am very gratiful to have have such a wonderful supportive family, to have the money to achieve my dream and to have been given some wonderful gifts from god to help me achive my goals.
Love and strength ,
Jen