I knew I had more to say!!!! LOL

You know this blog has become a really good friend to me. I sit back and made a really really big discovery today. I wanted to journal about it and felt you know how much can I say on this blog. I guess I can say anything!!! Like I said I had been battling A LOT over the last few months. I want to say I have done a lot of healing work over the last 4 years and I am very proud of myself for it!! As we started the Life Coach class I thought I knew what was holding me back. I thought it was still myself esteem issues stemming from my childhood. I couldn't figure out why am I going back in my shell after a year of kicking butt in every area of my life. I was on a path I wanted, I married my soul mate, my kids were adjusting quite well.............. why would I shut off!!!!I stopped wanting to workout for myself again, I wanted to eat to fill avoid of something, I was shutting down to my husband... what I ask is bothering me??? As a trainer and a recovering addict I could see something was buried way down , but wanted so bad to come out. I could see what I was doing to myself , but couldn't put my finger on it. Over the last week I began to start seeing what I needed to deal with. It was the boundaries, but there was one BIG MAIN BOUNDARY. That was my Ex-husband. As I said the other day I finally wrote him a letter and told him how I felt. It did make me feel great!!! Of coarse no response from him , but that was fine for me. A few days go by i feel the anger and frustration surfacing. I could feel the urge to hit someone, to yell at everyone around, to beat myself up again........calling myself losing, fat etc. I could tell it was all starting to come to a head. Boy was I right!!! As I sat on my bed crying today wondering and asking God what is wrong with me... it hit me. I had a trigger about 2mos. ago and didn't realise what an impact it made on me. I became aware of it after I sat and wrote a letter to my ex. He had done 2 things to me about 2 months ago that was very inappropriate. I used to tell him it was wrong when I was married , but he didn't get it. Now I am married to someone else and he still thinks he has a right to treat me in this way. I will make a long story short. During my marriage I always felt more like a piece of meat, always flaunted around to others, never loved for what was inside of me just what was on the outside of me. As I approached my wedding in Sept. I had finally got back into working our for myself... and for myself only. To help me feel good about myself. To look good on my wedding day. As that day pasted my ex noticed I had been changing and I guess he thought he could show me and say things to me that he noticed. Well he was wrong. I had put things in its place before and thought I had healed these issues to have them arise again. I guess there is a reason its in my face again. I didn't feel the pain before..... feel the hurt he has made me feel over the years. So, as I sit back crying and noticing all the things I have done in the past when I was hurt and tried to bury it. It dawned on me that its time to finally let this out. Cry it out. I tell myself I don't deserve to feel this or carry this anymore. I never did deserve to be treated in that way. I just always sat back and never told him the truth about how I have felt. Well I finally did the other day and I think that is what brought it to the surface and here it was today ..........right in my face. The fear of letting go of his affection and addiction of me that had been stuck inside for 20 years. I am sure I have some in there , but boy did it feel good to release some of that pain. I went to the gym today again with my head held high. Not caring if someone says hey she looks like she put 10lbs on this month. Well I am sure I did because as I know............. layers of fat are protection and I saw myself trying to protect myself again. In my line of work that isn't excepted so, there was another disappointing thing for me. How do I go out there and meet people. Try to help them when I can't help myself. Even though my heart and soul knows that is my path. I knew deep down I had to help myself first. I know everyday will be a challenge and I am up for it. I just knew something was lingering in there and wanted out. Thank you for letting me vent again. For those that are following my blog I thank you for reading!!!!
Love and Strength,
Jen